Swapping Out My Armor for Cashmere
I’m going to be honest, I thought I had to stay armored up to survive, but I’m learning that softness doesn’t mean I’m weak—it means I’m finally free.
At one point, the armor was necessary.
I don’t just mean metaphorically either, literal, physical armor would have been nice.
Going through physical and emotional abuse, starting at a pretty young age, and then later in active addiction, you learn how to shield yourself from the world. It takes a lot of unpacking to let that shield down, even years after the traumatic experience has ended.
But we’re here now, right?? It’s time.
Why I Had to be Guarded
Unfortunately, my story is one in a million stories of assault, abuse, and addiction.
Physical and emotional abuse started in the home as a child, and taught me that certain behaviors were not just “ok” but actually normal. Growing up I couldn’t recognize that those degrading comments or narcissistic behaviors were toxic.
I knew the physical abuse was wrong, but I was young enough and alone enough to have no idea what to do about it.
Everyone knew. All our friends and his family knew he was beating me, and no one said or did a damn thing unless it happened right in front of them. It wasn’t that they didn’t believe me, I don’t even think it was that they didn’t care. To some degree it was normal to them too.
Even after I got out of that situation, I ended up right back in another where no physical abuse took place, but man the gaslighting and narcissism was strong in that one.
This is also not to mention the assaults and racism that took place during and in between abusive relationships — there wasn’t really much of a “break.”
After the majority of my childhood up into my early twenties being crammed full of shit, it got really hard to allow myself to exist openly.
So I armored up. Initially it looked like repressing the fuck out of my emotions. Later it looked like track marks to numb the pain.
As you can imagine, all the repression and numbing made it extremely hard to connect with others in any meaningful way. I found myself surrounded by more toxicity, people who were takers, or who just couldn’t give a shit one way or the other.
While at the time I would’ve said, “yeah I have tons of friends,” I had never been more isolated than I was then.
Recognizing Being Strong Didn’t Have to Mean Hard
It’s taken YEARS of unpacking and unlearning behaviors for me to have this realization, and it’s one I’m still working on to this day —- and probably will continue to for years.
I realized that being strong didn’t have to mean being “hard.” It’s not just about being tough or untouchable, it’s being adaptable.
Resilience is a funny concept. The ability and awareness to bend without breaking. Especially for women, and women of color, resilience is an expectation.
We are expected to either be strong, or be soft. Not both. How could we be both??
Here’s the thing though: we fucking can.
It takes some work… shit, it takes a lot of work. But it’s possible. And finding that balance is like stumbling across a fucking unicorn.
I don’t mean that it’s this wild, mythical event, but that when it happens, it’s fucking magical.
When you work on letting down your guard methodically and intentionally, you can embrace both fully and without fear. Or least, less fear.
I realized strength isn’t about shutting people out or never crying—it’s about staying true to yourself, no matter what life throws at you.
Understanding Softness and What That Meant to Me
I assume when people hear the phrase “soft girl era,” a lot of the same things probably come to mind. It’s intended to embody that luxury aesthetic, bubble baths with strawberries and champagne, that kind of shit. And while, yes, we absolutely deserve to have and enjoy those things, to me, the soft life and “soft girl era” is about so much more.
Some of the things that come to mind are:
Emotional openness, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, or showing kindness to yourself and others.
Ya know, a form of gentleness with ourselves that has become somewhat rare to see these days.
More and more women are finding themselves in “boys clubs.” Especially in the work place or in business, but anywhere that men have historically been in positions of authority, women are having to show up as the more assertive versions of themselves to be taken seriously.
We aren’t allowed to be soft in those spaces. HOWEVER, we can make those spaces ones where softness actually helps us thrive. In fact, the strength we find in softness can benefit us a thousand fold if we truly embrace and embody all of ourselves.
Embracing the Soft Life While Still Working Towards Hard Goals
The idea that being soft means we’re no longer striving to achieve great things is pure bullshit.
Embracing softness doesn’t mean the work stops. It doesn’t mean we’re not fighting for everything we want.
A couple of ways that help me balance both are:
- Practicing self-compassion while chasing my goals.
- Setting boundaries that honor my softer side without compromising my ambition.
For Example: Taking breaks without giving into guilt or being gentle with myself when things don’t go as planned. Which happens A LOT.
I’m still going after my big, bold dreams. But now, I’m doing it with grace, not just grit and fumes.
Moving Forward in Balance
It’s taking a lot of intentionality and a lot of practice, but I’m working on blending both softness and strength.
It’s choosing when to be strong and when to let softness lead, and recognizing that neither is “better”—both are 1000% essential to my growth and my success. In life, business, relationships…. all of it.
That’s where all the work comes in to play.
Now might be a good time to ask yourself what areas you might be playing too strong or too soft, and where you can find balance between the two.
It won’t happen overnight, and it won’t happen without some serious intention and thought, but it absolutely can happen. And it can happen in such a way that can change your entire life — your ability to be successful and happy…. it’s worth the battle.
I don’t have to choose between being strong or soft—I can be both. And that’s a fucking superpower.
If you find you’re wanting to learn that balance but have no idea where to start, stick around. There’s so much more to come.