Getting Out of My Own Way

Recognizing When You’re the One Holding You Back

About a year ago, something clicked in my brain.

I had these conversations SO MANY FUCKING TIMES, and yet I wasn’t doing anything different. I mean call after call, coach after coach, trainings and books and all the things telling me exactly what I needed to do, and I sat there going, “I don’t know why it’s not working,” while doing NONE of the things I knew I needed to be doing,

Truth be told, I still battle with this on a daily basis.

There are parts of what I do that I just don’t want to fucking do. Unfortunately, they tend to be the parts that keep the business fucking running, Shit, they keep LIFE running.

Here’s the thing… when you’ve lived in complete chaos for so long, the thought of change sounds fucking awful. If you’ve managed to get yourself into a place where you have some semblance of routine or safety, it’s really fucking hard to then go “Oh, let’s fuck that up.”

Even if the change is a good thing, or something that will help you in some way, just the simple fact of change itself is extremely un-fucking-comfortable.

Why the fuck would I rock the boat I JUST got steady??

For years I had been living in a state of “what the fuck is going on.”

Things were catered to whether or not I was going to be able to get my fix, there was no sense of safety or routine at all, and I was literally just flying by the seat of my pants all the fucking time. All that mattered was getting what I needed. So, I would spend hours chasing people around, running around, doing wild shit, just to make sure that one need was satiated.

Before that, it was “where am I going to get my next meal? How am I going to get these bills paid? Are we getting evicted?” And then before that it was “am I going to get hit today or not?” I could go on.

So much of my life was “how fucked up can I get today to drown out all this shit I have no control over.”

Getting to a place where that wasn’t the only thing I was focused on felt wildly foreign. I didn’t know what to do with it. Things were quiet for the first time in my life. Everything wasn’t some fucked up episode of “Soft White Underbelly.” (If you haven’t seen that series, look it up. Fucking phenomenal and heartbreaking.)

My nervous system was literally in shock.

And I mean literally.

I felt anxious all the time. It’s like I was just peeking around every corner waiting for the other shoe to drop, because the other shoe ALWAYS dropped.

But it kept…not dropping.

I actually had to get to a point where all the safety and security was registering as boredom. Not that I didn’t have plenty to do with myself, but without all the chaos and trauma I actually felt BORED. With everything, In my business, in my work, my relationships, everything. I felt like something was missing and I needed to find a way to fill it.

In the “before times” I would have filled it by getting high and causing some kind of problem in my life — meaning, doing something really fucking stupid that could cost me everything or just be a really huge fucking rush. When I think about it now, it’s extremely painful. All the shit I did just to feel something… but here we are.

Once I got to the point of being bored, and was stable enough to not fall back into old habits, I realized that all my fear of rocking the boat was actively holding me back.

Now, there is a point for everyone — when you go through trauma or addiction, or struggle of any kind, you have to heal. It takes a lot of fucking work, but you have to be able to recognize the boredom you’re feeling as safety. If you can’t recognize it as safety, keep doing the work…please.

Not only do you need to be able to recognize safety for what it is, you need to be able to see that pushing yourself outside your comfort zone can done in a SAFE way that contributes to your growth as a human rather than just being a scary moment.

There is a fucking MASSIVE difference in “fear for fears sake,” and fear for the sake of growth. Growth at any rate will create some amount of fear. Any time you stretch that comfort bubble, there’s going to be some level of fear. That’s OK. As long as you’re doing it in a healthy way.

Think about this: your brain is wired to register threats, right? It’s a survival mechanism.

Here’s the thing though, your brain doesn’t know the difference between a life threatening event and something like speaking in public. Seriously. Your brain registers both as a threat.

That’s why so many people have such strong and often very visceral reactions to things like public speaking.

Wild, right? Also SUPER fucking frustrating.

Imagine those things that you are desperately afraid of doing. Maybe it’s speaking in public, or just talking to people in general. Something that literally causes you to break out in a sweat, your face gets flushed, your hands get clammy or shaky or both, and all you want to do is run, or freak out, or you get stuck between.

You are literally having the same Fight or Flight response to this thing that you would if you were being chased by a bear. It’s DEEPLY ingrained in us. We have the awareness to know our lives aren’t actually being threatened, but our brain and body are communicating something very different to each other.

The same part of your brain that’s responsible for warning you during a life threatening event is responsible for telling you not to hit the send button because the person on the other end might respond negatively to what you’ve said.

This is why going outside of your comfort zone and pushing yourself to grow feels so uncomfortable.

And, this is what’s holding you back.

So it’s not all your fault, but it is within your power to do something about.

When I realized my “boredom” was just the feeling of safety, I realized I was stunting my own growth. I’d been so adamant about holding on to that comfort I had for the first time that I was entirely resistant to doing anything that would create that sense of discomfort. It’s to be expected, right?

But how do we overcome a literal function of our brain?

START SMALL.

As with everything, I will always tell you to dream really fucking big, and start really fucking small.

The goal isn’t to shock your system back into that state of chaos and overwhelm. The goal is to create consistent, meaningful change over time in a way that has the biggest impact. We want this change to be sustainable and to compound. If we want BIG change, we need to be able to handle it, and CONTINUE to handle it.

Find one thing that makes you just a little bit uncomfortable. Something really small. Try something new, talk to a new person, go out for dinner instead of ordering in, and start there.

It’s the same as building any habits or developing discipline; you have to practice over and over again until it either no longer causes you discomfort or the discomfort becomes manageable. Then you level up.

There are so many different ways to do this in your daily life, you just have to find the thing that is going to flex the muscles you want to flex.

You want to get better at communicating? You have to talk to people.

Want to climb a fucking mountain? You have to start to climb.

It all starts with little choices, and actions based on those choices that stretch you farther and farther outside that little bubble.

Shit gets easier. I promise.

Figure out what it is that you want to do, that big scary thing you want to accomplish, and identify those first steps.

It’s going to be really frustrating for a while, and it’s not going to feel good at first, but once you get to the point that you start doing these things without breaking out in hives, it’s going to feel fucking amazing. All it takes is doing it the first time and realizing you didn’t die. That alone is a HUGE moment, and it deserves to be fucking celebrated.

Just remember to be gentle with yourself along the way. You’re going to fail sometimes…well, a lot of times. But you’re going to learn something every single time you do, and the next time it won’t be so hard.

Find your thing. Protect your peace without holding yourself stuck in one place. We can overcome so much when we put our minds to it. We just have to keep trying.

Remember you are working on becoming someone you’ve never been before, rewiring and creating new pathways in your brain, and it’s a lot of fucking work. Be gentle with yourself in the process and lean on your people when you need to.

Stay patient and consistent and you’ll get where you want to go.